Aaron Ellsworth, Highland 11th Ward
When I met my biological father for the first time at the age of 28, it sent me into a spiral that had me questioning everything I’d ever perceived as reality. Not only did I finally meet this mythical person that I’d wondered about my entire life, but I also met 4 siblings that I had no idea existed. Even crazier was the fact that I actually looked like them after growing up around people that I didn’t look anything like. And probably the craziest thing to me was that they didn’t actively practice any type of faith but they seemed happier and more joyful than my LDS family. So, I found myself questioning if being a member of the LDS faith actually produced what it claimed: joy, happiness, peace, etc. I started feeling like church meetings were more about ritual and custom rather than actual worship and connection with Deity. I would notice others and even myself sometimes dozing off during temple ordinances and it made me wonder if it really mattered all that much if people were falling asleep. I felt like there was this general feeling of complacency surrounding worship and that keeping the status quo was more important than dangerously pursuing the Lord.
To make a long story short, after seriously considering leaving the church, I realized that my identity was so wrapped up in religion that I believed that God and church were the same entity. I had more of a relationship with religion than I did with God Himself. I was putting my faith in man and organization, which led me to ultimately crash out (for lack of a better term). Not until I started pursuing God more directly did I begin to have grace for myself and for my fellow members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I realized that everyone was just trying to do their best, and that the only person responsible for my spiritual satisfaction and progress was me. I also realized that the LDS church is an incredible tool that God has given us to develop a relationship with him, and in that same breath it is not the ultimate goal. From what I know, the ultimate goal includes eternal life, a relationship with God and His children, and becoming like Him.
As I have tried to embrace my divine nature, and believe that I am who God says I am, I have felt more internal peace and greater joy in my life. I find that I’m less stressed and I laugh more. I have deeper conversations and interactions, and I don’t find imperfection so scary anymore. I am done shaming myself for making mistakes because it benefits no one; instead I acknowledge that I am flawed and commit to trying again tomorrow. I am a firm believer in making covenants with God, because had I not made covenants with Him, I would surely have walked away from religion and community. I’ve found that remaining actively engaged and humbly trying to be part of the solution adds much more value to my life than walking away and shunning all the good people and good things that are part of the church. My words aren’t meant to attack or ridicule anyone, but rather just to be honest and transparent about something that truly shook me. My simple testimony is that I don’t know everything, and there are many things that I am uncertain about, BUT one thing I do know for certain is that as I have tried to follow Jesus Christ, my life has been incredibly blessed and made much richer than I think it would have been otherwise. I believe in Jesus Christ, and in our Heavenly Father. I have felt the Holy Ghost influence me, and when I’ve followed those impressions, things tend to work out in my favor. There are many reasons to have doubts, but as I’ve chosen to believe in the gospel principles that I’ve learned through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have felt blessed with divine knowledge and perspective, and equipped with good spiritual tools to be successful and happier on my journey.